Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Greetings Tuned lovers. Few news tidbits today. First, it's been brought to my attention that Tuned is listed on NEPA Blogs! Lots of other more deserving blogs on there, check 'em out. Also Hollywood an I have seen what has to be one of the first Fiat 500s in America (much less the valley). Our verdict? Kinda cute, but otherwise irrelevant. Now show us an Abarth...... Also many people havesaid how much they hate the C7 Concept seen yesterday. So except Chevy to build it. Quickly.

Now this Sunday is a pretty big day racing wise. There is the Monaco Grand Prix, the crown Jewel of the F1 calender, the 100th running of the Indy 500, the Greatest Spectacle in Sports, and the World 600, NASCAR's last enduro (not to mention the GP2 race). Play your cards right, and you could be watching racing nonstop from 6am until right around midnight, with really only an hour or so gap. That's what I'll be doing, with a fridge full of beers, and a box of Tobasco Cheez-Its.  I recommend it, as the respective racing calenders rarely fall in line so so much awesomeness is at our disposal.  Few things to look for: Danica Patrick crashing early in the Indy 500 then blaming her crew (again), The RedBull team utterly dominating the streets of Monaco (I'm thinking a 1-2), and Jimmie Johnson winning the 600. Those be my predictions, let's see how good I am.

So yeah, just a brief update today, as Rebel, Hollywood, and I are gearing up for a Road Trip to a junkyard on Saturday. Expect a full report, and maybe a video...........but probably not.

The Viper's Venom (Or Maybe They Were Right About Meeting Your Heros)

Hello all, Wallio here to tell you about the other side of the coin with my new found love affair with the Viper. But first a bit of automotive news, as that's what this blog is supposed to be about.

Saab is now owned by the Chinese! I'll give ya a minute to let that sink in. Try to follow me on this one. Spyker, the supercar company bought Saab. In order to do that they had to sell Spyker Cars to the Brits. So Spkyer no longer owns Spyker, but now owns Saab, but still calls itself Spyker and still calls Saab....well Saab. Confused yet? But Spkyer spent all its money buying Saab so Saab went bankrupt and was bought by the Chinese. So Spyker still doesn't own Spyker, and now it doesn't own Saab, but it still runs Saab, as Spyker. Whew. That logo chart is from CarLogos.org, and they have great charts like that of all the major car companies. Check'em out.

In far less confusing news, the Corvette C7 (concept pictured above) will have a split window. Hear that? That's the sound of all those old crotchity Vette fanboys hanging themselves. I gotta say, love the concept (of bringing the split window back),  but I hate the concept car. The drivelines will be exactly the same, as will the chassis, so its only a visual change. And as such, can it really be called the C7? Hell, will Chevy even build it? (Doubtful in my opinion) We'll see come 2013......

I wrote last night how great it was to drive the Viper, and it was. Trouble now is, I have a new benchmark. When Jeremy Clarkson drove the Veryon, he commented that it was bittersweet, because he knew he would never own one. Driving the Viper ended up being bittersweet for me too, because, while one day I will own one, until that day, everything else seems lame. Its quite gutting to put your heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears, and an ass-ton of money into a car, and then hop in something that bone stock is quicker, faster, more comfortable, better looking, more reliable, and all around better than what you've built.

I have grown bored with my Charger, for the first time since I've had her. Compared to the Viper, she's a worthless, slow rattletrap (a bit harsh, but you get the idea). When I pound on her, its a royal achievement to hit 100+. After all the smoke and tyre squeal, and 20 minutes later when traction is finally achieved, she shakes, and screams and barks, and it feels like the whole car wants to split into pieces. Since I never really drive her, there's always a small mechanical glitch that needs correcting. Its insanely frustrating. Plus in the pursuit of even more performance, the car has turned into a money pit.

The Viper was just the opposite.  Hop in and go, no foibles, no hitches, just run after run of 110mph without drama. It was unreal. So now I'm seriously considering selling Roxy. But that leaves me with a problem. What to buy? The only thing I really want is a Viper (a white '97 GTS see below) There's no way I'll get the 35K I need for my car (I'll be lucky if I get 20). So what to buy? A DMC-12? A Cosworth Vega? Maybe a Maverick Grabber, or a Grand National. Who knows. I've got some time to think it over though, as Roxy is nowhere near ready to sell. Traction Bars, nitrous, intake, new tyres, and line-loc all have to go on, and the exterior needs to be painted (when the fuck is the body man going to pull my number?) And then the engine needs to be pulled and the engine bay needs to be cleaned up. After that she'll be ready to go. Or I'll have changed my mind, who knows? Later Tuned heads!

Its OK To Meet Your Heros Afterall

There's a saying "Never Meet Your Heros". Basically, if you do, you'll be disappointed because their not supermen, merely human. The old man tells the tale of meeting his boyhood hero Mickey Mantle, and of Mickey being a bitter, arrogant prick who was hungover and made half the kids in line cry (although my father still adores him to this day). I never put much stock in this theory. But that's probably because I don't believe in hero worship.

I never had any heros as a kid except for Alan Ruth (builder of the Bigfoot series of Monster Trucks) and KC "Hollywood" Spurlock (wild driver of the Fruit of the Loom Funny Car). I met both of them, but was so small I don't remember how they acted. I do still have a Spurlock autograph somewhere though. Even today my heros are Enzo Ferrari (dead), John Z. Delorean (ditto), James Madison (really dead), Uma Thurman (no hope in hell of ever meeting) and Mario Andretti (ditto), so I doubt I'll ever develop any worshiping tendencies.

I did however, have one main idol as a child: the Dodge Viper. Even though I was just a 4 year old boy when the concept was released, I was in love. My bedroom walls have posters of a Superbird, Bigfoot, the Green Bomber, my old man's '65 Chevelle drag car, and a Viper. The car had it all. Great stance, Carroll Shelby input, and a V10. A V10! In the early 90s when everything was a 4-banger, this had 10 cylinders! The Green Bomber, which was the fastest car I knew (and which I named as a 3-year old "da Geen Bumer!) Only had a V8, this V10! And it was huge! And American!

As I grew older and I my knowledge grew, my boyhood adoration, turned into an all out love affair. I loved the fact that it was only a stick, I loved the total lack of drivers aids, and as a fan of Detroit big blocks, I loved the massive displacement most of all. The Viper to me was the be all end all, the only real American supercar (S7 aside).
It was obvious, if you wanted to look like a car guy, buy a Corvette, if you were a car guy, you bought a Viper.

So a buddy of mine bought one last year, and after many schedule conflicts, he loaned it to me last week, to take to my car show. I finally would be able to drive my (number 2) dream car. Now I've driven a Ferrari, a Maserati, and two Lambos before, but they were only putt-putting around in first gear type drives, just to say I did it. The only one I ever got on was the Maz, and only briefly. So this would be my first real road test of a 200mph supercar. (This Viper tops out at 202 BTW). The owner encouraged me to attempt to reach the mystical 200mph barrier (one of the only vechicular accomplishments left for me to achieve) and gave me advice on how the car would react, and even told me where to go to do it. I was content to throw it around some curvey roads by the lab instead.

However, I'm terrified, as "Never meet your heros" applies to cars too. Don't believe me? James May road tested a Contauch on Top Gear, and was distraught over how horrible his dream car actually was. If the Viper is a POS, I don't know what I'd do.

So I lower myself into the Viper, (no mean feat given my 6-ft 240lb frame) and I cannot get over how low you sit in the car. Everything superlow slung I've ever driven has you sitting up high within the cockpit, to maximize vision. In the Viper, your on the floor, the hood is at chin height, the arching fenders as tall as my forehead (creating two massive blindspots). The steering wheel and shifter are actually slighty above you, so you have to reach up for them.  It is like being in an open wheel car. The mirrors add to this, they're nonadjustable, and tucked into the bodywork. They are aimed low, and allow you to see who's behind (barely).

I pressed the starter button, and was disappointed. The V10 isn't ear-splitting, it isn't even loud. It has good tone through the sidepipes, but its sedate, reserved. Now I'm worried. The world should have ended when I pressed that button, why didn't it? I engage the clutch and find it akin to pushing against a brick wall. It grabs right off the floor and I'm off.

As I drive to the car wash a few things jump out at me. How heavy the damn clutch is (must be horrendous in traffic) and how quick the pedal snaps back, like a screendoor banging in the wind. Next are the brakes, I almost put myself through the windshield three or four times until I adjust my driving style to cope with the incredible brakes. The feel of the road through the massive tyres is quite good, although my visiblity is non-existant. I'm also terrified of tearing off the front splitter. I look at the speedo and realize I'm doing 63mph in a 40mph zone. It doesn't even feel it.

On the way home, in my freshly clean Viper, I drop the hammer and now the world ends. From a 35mph roll in second gear, the car blows the back tyres off like a damn funny car, the engine finally screaming like a 8.3litre should. I find myself going sideways down River Road, nose pointing into oncoming traffic. I grab some opposite lock and hold the car in a smoking drift for a few seconds then grab third. This swings the car 90 degrees and after a steering correction I find myself holding the car in a smoking drift looking toward the hard shoulder. A quick look at the speedo shows a reading of 86mph. With still no traction whatsoever, still completely sideways. OK, that's enough of this........

Two days later I take the car out again, for the show, and practice my launches. With a good one, I can get the Viper up to 60mph by the end of the alley by my appartment (a distance of only 30 yards or so). On the way home, with my old co-driver's encouragement, I wind it out to 105mph with the top down. We cannot believe how calm it is at speed. If you do it right, only the noise, and the blur of what once was the scenery going by give away your true speed. I decide then and there I will own a Viper. The ability to dial up run after run like that, effortlessly, as impressed the shit out of me.

I don't care that you need to leg press 450 to work the clutch. I don't care it gets 8 mpg. I don't care it scrapes the splitter on basically everything. I don't care how the sidepipes pump brutally hot air into the cockpit. I don't care it has the interior out of a Neon, or that if you mess up the launch, it will pretty much kill you. I'm more in love with the Viper than ever. Maybe it is ok to meet your heros afterall....

Meet Wallio

Ok I know we haven't been updating the site much.....or at all lately. But that's gonna change. And videos are coming! Really! I know I've been saying that for three months, but they are coming! Soon! Sort of.

More frequent updates are in reality well on their way.  This will be the first in a series of introspective looks at the writers of this blog. Because you probably (didn't) wonder at one time about us. And yes I know we have a "meet the cast" link, but those are short sketches, these will be the nitty-gritty profiles. Sorta. Anyway the first in the series.

Meet Wallio

Full Name: Ugh, Wallio....duh.

Top Five Favorite Cars of All Time (In Order):
1.) Plymouth Superbird
2.) Dodge Viper
3.) Catheram Superlight RS500
4.) Maserati GranTurismo S
5.) Delorean DMC-12

Favorite Color: Black

Favorite Car Company: Ford, Although under diress.

Least Favorite Car Company: Toyota/Lexus

Driving Style: Very Aggressive

Car Set-Up Preference:
Stiff, undeersteering on corner entry, but able to enduce power oversteer on exit. I like to walk the car out of the corner on the throttle.

Favorite Part of a Car:
Engine of course. As Enzo Ferrari said "You know, aerodynamics are for people who can't build proper engines!"

Currently Driving:
'89 Cadillac Fleetwood (daily)
'72 Charger SE (almost never)
'62 Chevy II (on select weekends, a 1/4 mile at a time)

Finally, If You Could Build A Car, What Five Things (In Order) MUST It Have?

1.) A Front Mounted V8 of At Least 6 Litres
2.) A Cigarette Lighter
3.) Rear Wheel Drive
4.) Manual Gearbox
5.) No Back Seat (Even If It Isn't a Two-Seater, Pull It Out!)

So there's my introspective. Reb's and Hollywood's to follow. Probably.

TomTom Knows Where You've Been and Where You're Going, And Now So Do The Cops

This is rather interesting, if you use a GPS, which many people do. Dutch GPS company TomTom has been caught selling traffic data to police departments so they can set-up speed traps and traffic cameras. Basically, every TomTom unit, being a tracking device, has the data of where you are and where you're going. And as we all know it stores it, making it easy to pull up routes used often. OK, nothing new there. However, it has now been revealed that those units transmit that data to the mother base in Holland. OK, this too is kinda predictable, as any device that transmits data usually transmits "both-ways".

Where the story goes to hell is when last fiscal quarter TomTom lost an ass ton of money (for those of you playing the home game, an ass ton is 8 tons) and announced they were looking at "innovative" means to gain money. Those means were selling the loads of traffic data they had laying around to cops. They did this officially, to allow local governments to ease congestion in heavy traffic areas. Makes sense on paper. However, the police used the data for speed traps (TomToms can transmit average speed data too). Now, this should come as no surprise to anyone. Most police departments are broke, and this is an easy way to make cash.

Of course TomTom is shocked that their data is being used like that. Right, ok. Also TomTom is shocked at the public outcry over their treachery. They cannot believe people are angry that they sold personal informational. I thought this was TomTom, not Apple, Anyway, I cannot believe the level of stupidity of humanity. TomTom claims they are reconsidering their stance and might, I repeat, might stop selling traffic flow data.Whoo fuckin' hoo. TomTom's excuse is that buried deep within the confines of the units themselves, there is a setting which stops transmitting data. Here's an idea, stop selling people info! Again, who do you think you are, Apple? Anyway, if you have a TomTom, find that setting and turn it off. Or better yet, sell it. You'd be doing the world a favor.

Race Report #1: Test and Tune at Numidia

Greetings Motorheads, Wallio here. I know I don't post nearly enough, but this past week was beyond rough, and I've been quite sick for seemingly ever. Anyway, hopefully I can start posting more often. And this past weekend I finally got out to the track. So tonight's post is the first of a hopefully large amount of race debriefs.

It was pretty decent weather overall, although a bit chilly. There was little wind. The entire team was present, the old man and Rags, providing the tuning, Neal providing me with driving advice and cheerleading, and Mr. S. Playing Roger Penske. Anne, nervous of me shaking down what was basically an entirely new car, stayed home.

The old man made the first pass, in order to test everything and see if there was a fire (we did overhaul the entire fuel system). It was a slow shakedown, he didn't really do a burnout, or a proper launch, or well anything, really. It was a sad effort and a pansy 11.34 was the E.T. However, the 125mph speed told the tale. Clearly, there was massive wheelspin.

After a long cooldown period to make sure there were no leaks, rattles, etc. (Remember, that was the first pass we had made on the new powerplant) I was taken off the leash and told to make a balls-out pass. After a proper burnout, I took the revs up to the convertor and let her fly. Amazingly, the Nova decided she actually wanted to fly, and pulled a massive 6-ft wheelie. Salome carried her wheels an incredible 70-75ft, but I kept my foot in it and ran out to a blistering 10.50 at 122mph. Despite only having two wheels on the ground, the 60ft time was only 1.42 

I returned to the pits to find the boys, instead of being pleased, were actually quite angry. They demanded to know why I had turned on the nitrous system. When I explained that I hadn't, that the insanely low time was pure motor, they too began to be excited. After several spectators came to our pits to tell me how insane I was to keep my foot down during the wheelie, Mr. S. Became worried. The car really wasn't leaving properly. Huge wheelies are all great fun and all, but a smaller, more controlled wheelies are quicker and of course better.

After much arguing and cigar smoking, I was ordered to go back out, and try a much lower rpm launch. 3500 revs versus the 4300 I had used the first pass. However, the trans-brake didn't quite lock-up and the car rolled through the lights. I caught it and tried to foot brake her off the line, but it was too far gone, so I aborted the run.
No biggie, being only a Test and Tune, I got back in line, embarrassed and angry.

In the staging lanes before the run, the old man changed my launch point to 4000 revs, and I went for it. However, the track had rubbered in, and Salome pulled her front end a massive 8-ft off the tarmac. However, I was under orders from Mr. S. To abort the run in this case and despite my personal objections, I obeyed. On my way back to the pits, three old guys gave me a standing ovation. However, I now had a wicked vibration. In the pits it all became clear, as one of the mounting points for the ladder bars was bent nearly at the 90 degree angle. The suspension had moved so much, my one slick was rubbing in the fender well. Realizing we needed solid ladder bar mounts, we loaded up and went home.

Yes, we only had one real pass, but it was stupid fun and it was cool listening to people talk about "that blue and white nova pulling insane wheelies". Once we reset/rebuild the suspension and maybe change the gears (yea, 4.88s aren't low enough now!) I think single digit timeslips are possible without the spray. Of course they're possible now with the spray, but I doubt I'll be allowed to use it, not anytime soon anyway.

So that's it. No pictures sadly, as none of us thought to bring a camera. More tomorrow hopefully.